


What He Doesn't Know Will Kill Me

by vampirewithbedsidemanners



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, hiddlestoners
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, IF YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS, Rape, TRIGGER WARNINGS: RAPE, not a whole lot of comfort, please, please do not read this, this is not a happy fanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:52:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3528422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirewithbedsidemanners/pseuds/vampirewithbedsidemanners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom comes home from 5 long months of filming. While he was gone, Evalin, his current girlfriend is raped coming out of a performance. Can they go on as if nothing happened? Or will it tear them apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What He Doesn't Know Will Kill Me

**Author's Note:**

> I WAS NOT KIDDING IN THE TAGS! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS! and if this triggers something and you just need someone to talk to you can come to me. Just message me through my tumblr (vampirewithbedsidemanners) and I will listen and talk and help you. Its the least I can offer after putting shit like this out there.
> 
> On another note; the main character's name is pronounced weirdly... its eh-vah-lin. Her nickname is just eh-vah. It helps when reading it.

I walked up the front steps, stopping just outside the door. It wasn't something I often did. But that was  _before..._  

Now I stopped, stopped where I normally would just run past without a second thought. I stopped and looked around at all the familiar things in life; the people I knew. The people I loved. I felt hollow, powerless. I would look at them and they would smile back at me with the same smile they always wore, filled with genuine kindness and adoration. It would only make it worse. They loved me and I... I couldn't find the words to tell them about... about...  _Would they still love me if they knew?_ _  
_

I felt sick. My head was swimming in a mix of twisted memories, regret, pain. Doubt. I tugged on my sleeves nervously before adjusting my bag. I couldn't stand outside forever. With a deep breath to stop my shaking I put on my best happy smile and pulled the door open.

"Eva!" Tom called, his voice a bubble of joy and relief and exhaustion. I smiled weakly, turning my back to him quickly as he came bounding to the door. I knelt down and slid my bag off my shoulders and slipped out of my flats.

 _Smile..._ He didn't need to know what I couldn't find the words to say... I wasn't ready for that conversation. With my best, genuine smile I stood up and turned to him.

God, it had been so long since I had seen him last. He was the same as always, his slightly longer floppy blond curls falling gracefully into his face. He looked tired, but happy. So happy. His eyes lit up as he reached out for me... like always...

Only it was different this time. This time I fought the urge to recoil, to run. I wanted to run so bad. I wanted to turn out the door. Run until my feet bled and my lungs collapsed. I wanted to leave him with his happy memories. I wanted to leave him with his joy.  _He doesn't need to bear my burden... Its my fault after all... I wasn'_ _t strong enough..._

_Im not strong enough for the both of us._

Tom wrapped himself around me and I tensed, flashes of that night crashing unbidden into my consciousness. _It wasnt him... It wasnt him..._  I reminded myself. He brought his lips to mine in a passionate kiss... but I couldnt... I couldn't return it. I moved my lips against his, each passing second adding to the hollowness in me. I could feel his love scratching at my walls, but I couldn't bring myself to let it in. It hurt to much. 

And he knew. 

He pulled back and looked at me, a wash of panic and fear clouding his joy. His look alone sent a jolt of pain through my heart and I quickly burried my doubt, my troubles... my memories.  _For him._  

"Welcome home, baby." I said quickly, my voice happy and light. He relaxed and I pecked him on the lips quickly, to quickly for him to pull me in and kiss me deeper than I was ready for. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head against his chest, breathing him in...  _I was not ready for him to come back..._

* * *

_Rain fell softly outside. I pulled my hood up over my head, pulling my duffle in closer as I made to run to my car. It was night now, the audience had cleared out._

_"Hey!!! Swan!!!" A voice called out from behind me as I stepped into the service alley._

_Shit... a fan..._

_I put on my best 'I am so sorry, I really must be going' face and turned to see a tall, broad shouldered brunett running up the alley._

_"Hello." I said. My eyes met his and I froze, an uneasy feeling settling in my gut. It was night, no one was around. It was just me and this strange man twice my size in a dark alley. His eyes raked over me._

_Then he stepped closer and I could smell the alcohol on him._

_Shit._

_His eyes undressed me as he walked up, standing far to close for comfort._

_"Did you enjoy the show?" I asked, promptly ignoring the look on his face._

_"Yes. Do you know what though, it could have been a whole lot better." He growled the end of his sentence at me, lurching forward and grabbing me roughly._

_"LET GO OF ME!!" I screamed at him, realizing exactly what was going on. He laughed pulling me in by my arm, his grip so tight I knew there would be bruises tomorrow._

_"You know... all you stupid ballerinas... You're all a bunch of stuck up, tight ass bitches. You know that? You prance around on stage in your little tights and leotards and expect all us guys to keep our fucking hands off you but You KNOW WHAT?" I stumbled backwards as he spit his words at me, shaking my bag from my shoulders and ramming me into the wall. I screamed as my head cracked against the wall, clawing uselessly at him, kicking his shins. Fighting._

_"IM TOO GOOD FOR ALL YOU BITCHY FUCKING BALLERINAS AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE DAMN FUCKING LUCKY." He said, pinning me against the wall with his body. I pressed my thighs together and he smacked me across the face, grabbing my bun and jerking my head back painfully. Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to scream, my voice lost._

_"You're a lucky bitch. I'm too good for you, but I'll take you." I dug my nails into his arm and pushed at him. He was too heavy for me. I cried, tears streaming down my face._

_I fought. Nothing._

_He laughed and undid his pants, pulling my skirt down roughly and ripping my underwear off._

_He laughed as he smacked my ass._

_He laughed as he released my hair, wrapping his hand around my throat and pressing me into the wall._

_He laughed as I choked, gasping for air. I couldn't scream. My hands pressed feebly against his arms, my legs kicking out._

_He laughed as he pushed my legs apart, squeezing harder around my neck every time I tried to close my legs._

_"Be a good little bitch."_

_He laughed._

_I screamed._

I woke up with a start, kicking out. I was still on the couch, where I had curled up instead of climbing into bed. My heart beat against my chest, my stomach in knots. 

Fear. Panic.

I felt sick. 

Shaking, I found my feet and made my way through the dark house to the bathroom. I flipped on the light and turned on the tap. My chest heaved and I fought to get my breathing under control. A few splashes of water in my face brought me back, the cold snapping me out of my physical reactions.

After what felt like hours standing over the sink, I flipped off the light and left. Tom was lying peacefully on his side of the bed, his arms stretched out to where I should be. I sank down onto the stool, pulling my legs to my chest.

He looked so peaceful, sleeping.

I traced the outline of his features in the dark. The curve of his jaw, his lips that always tasted like mint and tangerines. His forehead with the two little white scars that I would kiss as we made love, giggling like children... His hands, his arms that were home once. Him.

How do I tell him? Do I tell him?  _Will he still love me if he knows..._  

I pulled my legs in tighter. He was gone for 5 months. I had 5 months to deal with this, to move past it.

I couldn't.

_I laid in bed, curled up on his side, my face burried in his pillow. It still smelled like him, but then he had only been gone 4 days. tears streamed down my face._

_I felt dirty. Like my body was not my own anymore._

_No, that thing took it. It took my body from me, used it, and threw me away like trash._

_I cried harder._

_"...T...Tom...Tom..." I choked out his name. I needed him. I needed him here, holding me. Telling me that it was all okay._

_Telling me that I was still his._

"Baby...?" Tom said softly, pulling me out of my dreams. Soft morning light filled the room. He was sitting up in bed, staring at me in a mix of concern and disbelief. He looked at me like I was a stranger, like I was unexpected.

Suprise. Concern. Confusion...

"... Mmm... Yeah... Morning..." My voice cracked a little as I choked out what little I could muster. I uncurled from my ball and stretched my legs out. I couldn't meet his eyes. I heard him sigh and he slid out from under the covers, crossing the room and kneeling before the stool, trying to catch my gaze.

"Look at me, love." His voice betrayed him. "Talk to me. What's wrong?" I shook my head, focusing on the little smattering of chest hair on his sternum, refusing to meet his gaze.

He let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair.

"You won't kiss me. You didn't come to bed last night. You skipped dinner, and went for a three hour run. You tense every time I touch you, and you won't even look at me. This isnt you. This isnt... Just tell me what's wrong Eva." He said, his exasperation breaking through his confusion. I shook my head.

"Is it the hours? Is it because I was gone for 5 months... Is it.." He stumbled over his words, swallowing hard. "... Is it me?" 

He broke. His voice, his courage, his confidence. His joy. I looked up and his eyes were closed, his face twisted in pain at the thought. 

"... no..." I whispered, trying to put him at ease. I was lost. I was so far gone not even the stars could guide me home. I fell apart on the inside, my own mind erupting in a civil war. 

If I tell him, I could lose him forever.

If I don't tell him, I will lose me.

"...I'm sorry... Tom... I'm sorry..." I broke, fresh tears streaming down my face. I cried his name, over and over, only this time he was there. This time he could hear me.  _I just need you to hold me; to tell me everything is all right. To tell me I'm still yours..._

He sat there, frozen. Unsure of what to do. He looked at me like I was some unpredictable land mine. He stared at me like a deer caught in headlights.  _Terrified._ "I... I wasn't... I wasn't strong... st.. strong enough... I'm sorry." 

My eyes fell to the carpet and I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't keep my words back. "I fought... And I kicked... and I screamed until I couldn't breath and... and... he just took it... He took it anyways..." My voice was shrill, breaking at every word. My chest heaved. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think.

All I could see was that bastard having his way with me. All I could see was him dumping my body carelessly in the alley.

Tom looked at me for a moment, confused. And then he put it all together. The pieces fell into place and he jerked back in disgust.

I cried harder.

I pulled back.

His blue eyes met mine, almost begging it to not be true. 

But it was. And he could see that.

"Eva..." He said, his voice shaking. He reached out for me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I cried out, batting his hands away. I was in so much pain I didn't quite know where it ended and I began.

 _Disgust. He is disgusted with me. DONT TOUCH ME... DON'T TOUCH ME..._ I jerked away, off the stool and back into the closet door.

"EVA STOP!" He yelled at me. I could hear his anger, I could feel it. He was angry and I was broken.

 _I should have kept my mouth shut..._  "EVA JUST STOP... STOP..." He ran his hands through his hair to stop his shaking.

And then I realized...  _Go... I have to go..._ I knew what was coming. "I'll go." I said, my voice much calmer than I thought it would be. _  
_

I had nothing left in me to fight with. My fight was gone. I couldn't fight him. I couldn't stand here and wait for him to tell me what I already knew. This was it.

He was gone.

He was done with me.

_He doesn't want me._

_I'm no longer his._

I stepped to the side and walked past him before he could say anything, before he could pull his thoughts together and form a coherent sentence.  _Before he decided that I needed to leave._

_Before we were really over._

For a moment I wished I had a gun... it would make things so much easier... 

I walked out of the room. He didn't come after me. He didn't call my name. I walked to the front door and grabbed my coat off the rack, shrugging it on. It wouldn't help any and I knew that, the cold I felt came from within. What little was left of me was crushed beyond recognition. My heart was gone. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

I was just numb.

"EVA!!!" He cried from the hall, coming into view. His eyes filled with tears... He was so hurt... but I had nothing left to give, no emotion.

The look on his face reminded me of his character Loki, when Loki screamed at Odin to tell him what he is... It was the same man, it was the same face... part of me wanted to laugh, a full body dry and hollow laugh.

The other part never wanted to see his face again.

"Mr. Hiddleston." I said as formally as I could. It put up a divide between us.  _It protected me from whatever he was going to say next..._

He stumbled forward, making only a parched 'tkk tkk' sound as he tumbled to his knees before me. I didn't move, I just stood there, watching him fall.

As if he was the most uninteresting spectacle I had ever seen. Twenty minutes ago I was afraid he wouldn't love me, now I was indifferent.

Its amazing what twenty minutes and more pain than my mind can take will do.

He grabbed me and I did nothing. I didn't flinch, I didn't jerk back. He knelt on his knees, his arms wrapped around me, his face pressing into my stomach. I could feel his tears through my thin black t-shirt.

"I love you..." He sobbed into my stomach. "... Marry me..." 

He begged.

"I'm sorry."

I said.


End file.
